Monday, August 17, 2009

{dearest dears, pretend we're in the middle of this conversation,
for I don't know how to begin it...}

...I have always had an uneasy relationship with my own Mother. A childhood of anxiety and confusion are the reasons that I now live my life to the fullest. Try to feel it all, and marvel at every star in the sky...

Will you let me tell you some things, that I would need to have heard by her before I could try again, to convince her to love me?

I hope next time will be better, and I'm glad we had once, a nice time.
But I feel assaulted, and insulted by your angry words and the way that you say them. I have only tried to behave well, and weather all of your storms...
I feel I am expected to perform all the duties of a daughter, without ever being blessed with the grace and unconditional love, of a Mother....

Despite these words please know that I am well dear friends! I have given it to God. Who is bigger than all of our troubles, and weaves all things together, in the end, for good.

I wish every good thing for my Mother, I want her to be happy and well.

I have given myself a task, to forgive myself for not being able to be a daughter in this fallen place. There will be such rejoicing in Heaven! Far from the Earthly bindings of paranoia, and accusation.

I can carry on.
I am 31.
Old enough now to admit that I cannot change the ones who don't wish to change.
To always honour them under God's law.
By living the happy life I've been blessed with.
Try not to hurt anymore.
And remember that wonderful phrase:

It is not what happens to you in life that determines who you are,
it is how you choose to respond...

I choose Happiness. Life. Colour.

Love. Never fails.

Shell xx


  1. Beautiful, Shell. Your words hit home with me. I know my mother loves/d me by the things she does but I often felt unloved due to the conditions I had to meet first. Mom is actually a lover, very kind hearted and sensitive but easily hurt and many walls to get through to find the core. I am a touchy feeling sorta person. Maybe it is because I never got so many hugs. One day not so terribly long ago, as I was hugging my own mom she broke down and apologized for never giving me hugs (and told me why). I felt that was a huge breakthrough for her. Whatever happens to us we can choose to respond positively or negatively and like you, I choose to live a life of "freedom" in God. Love and hugs xoxo

  2. Oh honey, I think so many people don't feel loved in a complete way by their mothers. Especially women. So many expectations are put on us and I know for me I was probably not exactly what my Mum wanted. I have failed to be 'that' child for her, I have always been my own self, not overly interested in other's plans for my life. But you know what I realised awhile ago? It's a two way street. Children get disappointed in their parents too! We didn't necessarily get the kind of parents we wanted either! I don't know why it's so hard to feel loved for who you actually are, but it is! I send you my love and thanks for being brave and sharing your feelings. Beautiful picture of you too by the way x x

  3. Thank you Joyful & Kerri. I feel comforted by your kind words. It is a very sad story where mental illness plays it's part. I suppose it is all part of the fallen world, nothing is perfect and anything that can go wrong, will. I am praying, reading, loving and listening, to your loving thoughts, from afar.

    : )

  4. Well shell once again, you have touched my heart, It'sd not my mtoher i have no love from it's my father. As in my blog would tell you all. Thank you again for sharing and truly making us love who we are and we can never change a person only ourelves.

    xxx Sarah


Thank you for your thoughts...